Emotion-FULL Living with Dr. Rosellini
You are only human, and it is okay to have a sad feeling. You are not crazy. Find out what that feeling is telling you. It is interesting to learn that once we are able to let ourselves experience just a little bit of that feeling we are scared of, we often feel relieved to have opened up to it.
People are funny when it comes to talking about emotions. Some thrive on talking about them, some maybe talk too much about them, others rarely open up, some hate them, and for some they might be a completely foreign concept. I am here today to talk about why emotions are important and the power in acknowledging and accepting emotions, even the “bad” ones.
Emotions are real. They are natural. They signal what may be going right or wrong in our lives.
They help us connect with others. They motivate us to act. Bottom line, they are an essential part of the human experience. Unfortunately, a lot of us don’t always have the best relationships with our emotions. I mean we all want the positive emotions like love, happiness, joy, and passion. Who wouldn’t?! They are the best.
But the negative ones, holy moly, no way we want those. Feelings like pain, sadness, anxiety, fear, jealousy, hate, anger, and shame come to mind. Ugh! Even reading them off creates associated feelings for me. Those we often shun and avoid at all cost.
When I feel anxious, let’s say before a major presentation, I often think to myself “just stop it!” or “go away,” constantly wanting to get rid of the fear and worry. I even start to berate myself and say “what is wrong with you?” or “you are being ridiculous.” But feelings have utility, and the anxiety is important as it motivates me to present in the first place, and shows that I care.
If I am sad I might think, “just get over it” or “be strong.” Then I feel even worse because trying to control emotions does not make them go away. But the sadness I feel helps show me what is meaningful or lacking in my life. It has a purpose.
I remember one person saying to me they wished emotions were like chemical compounds because then he could break down the negative emotions and destroy them. Without the negative emotions, though, would we truly feel or identify the positive ones?
By numbing or suppressing negative emotions we also numb the positive ones as well.
Negative and positive emotions are two sides of the same coin. I love the movie “Inside Out” because it demonstrates so well the import, double-sided nature of emotions.
Shame is a weird emotion because when I feel shame regarding a situation, I usually avoid it at all costs, leading to expressing it via anger or frustration. Have you ever done anything like that? I think we all do it from time to time. We bottle all the “bad stuff” up and shove it somewhere we hope no one sees. Walking around trying to be “on” and showing that we have it together. While this can be useful at times, it also takes its toll and is ultimately not sustainable.
It has taken me a long time (and I am still learning) how to be okay with having these negative emotions. It is so uncomfortable to have them and truly let yourself experience that shame, or sadness, or whatever it is you are feeling. But if you try to get rid of feelings, or avoid them, not only are you not getting rid of it, you are denying a natural part of yourself and the problem often time gets bigger. Research even points to the real, harmful effects of avoiding and suppressing aversive emotion (e.g. Campbell-Sills et al., 2006; Ben-Naim et al., 2013).
Yet this suppression happens all the time. And why? Because emotions can hurt (and can be annoying)! If we are a child or even an adult, and tell our parent about something exciting or sad that happened, and we are dismissed or ignored, that hurts! And we might think, “ohhh I don’t like that feeling, there is no way I am going to share how I really feel next time.”
Now fast forward several years. This person may have generalized this mentality and now feels uncomfortable being authentic. They may distance themselves from others to protect themselves, but end up not knowing who they are or what they really want. This may be an exaggeration but it captures what might happen when we try to cut ourselves off from emotions, particularly sharing emotional vulnerability.
Another example might relate to social anxiety. Let’s say you are a freshman in college, meeting new people and really trying to fit in and make friends. At lunch, you are hanging up with a group of friends talking about favorite music. You bring up a band you know of, and everyone laughs and says that “they suck.” That might not feel so good, and it might make us a little more anxious in the next social situation. This time, we decide to avoid that emotion by removing ourselves from the group of friends (maybe by saying, “I have homework to do”), being agreeable, or not saying anything (despite having things to say).
While our anxiety might be curbed in the short term through this avoidance tactic, it makes us more anxious in each following situation and makes us more likely to avoid again, despite our hopes to connect with others and fit in.
Now I am not saying we should all just get obscenely angry, anxious, jealous and sad all the time and let our emotions overcome us. Or that we should walk around like an open wound or dwell forever in an emotion.
Being able to acknowledge what emotion is there, allowing it to be there, and embracing it as part of us connects us further with ourselves and leads to a better understanding of what might be going on internally.
Sharing emotional vulnerability with others also connects us with them in a powerful way (read any of Brene Brown for more information! She is a vulnerability guru). Next time you are sad or anxious, and you want to avoid that feeling, my challenge to you would be to:
Acknowledge what feeling is coming up.
Write it down or talk about it with someone.
Accept that it is there.
You are only human, and it is okay to have a sad feeling. You are not crazy. Find out what it is telling you. It is interesting to learn that once we are able to let ourselves experience just a little bit of that feeling we are scared of, we often feel relieved to have opened up to it.
I don’t want to ignore the good feelings either. It is okay to be happy and have a lot of good feelings! You deserve them. However, the common advice of “just be happy” goes too far and might not be useful.
Emotions naturally come and go. Forcing it does not usually work. Sometimes we are happy, sometimes not. That is normal. I like the idea of the weather as a metaphor for emotions (Read Pema Chodron for more on this >>). Sometimes it is rainy, sometimes sunny, sometimes there are thunderstorms! So whatever you feel, allow yourself to accept it. Only you have the power to do that. And you will feel a lot more authentic and like yourself if you take that risk.
How do you think you will incorporate emotion-full living into your life today? Leave a comment or email me at barrymorerosellinipsyd@gmail.com I'd love to hear from you!
Mindfully,
Barrymore Rosellini, PsyD, Licensed Psychologist
“The master observes the world but trusts his inner vision. He allows things to come and go. His heart is open as the sky.”
— LAO TZU, TAO TE CHING (STEPHEN MITCHELL TRANSLATION)
Why Diets Suck
Ok, come clean. What wierdo, fad diets have you tried in the name of weight loss... The Pineapple Diet? The Bacon Diet? The Baby Food Diet? The Cigarette Diet? The Clay Diet (it’s a thing, Google it) The Air Diet? I’ve heard a lot, and I’ve tried a lot. And I’m here to tell you once and for all that diets. Don’t. Work. And here is why.
Ok, come clean. What wierdo, fad diets have you tried in the name of weight loss... The Pineapple Diet? The Bacon Diet? The Baby Food Diet? The Cigarette Diet? The Clay Diet (it’s a thing, Google it) The Air Diet? I’ve heard a lot, and I’ve tried a lot. And I’m here to tell you once and for all that diets. Don’t. Work. And here is why.
Maybe in the past you’ve summoned up the willpower to start a diet where you restrict your calories for a period of time. You are miserable throughout the day trying to deny primal signs of hunger as you munch on your carrot sticks. But you do it and you notice the weight dropping off. Success! This lasts for a period of time and you feel pretty good. You keep the weight off as long as you are restricting your calories, but as you become a bit more lax and the novelty wears off, somehow that weight begins to slowly creep back up again. Does this sound familiar? It’s a cycle of weight loss and gain that we refer to as “yo-yo” dieting and it’s a trap SO many people fall into.
Research shows us that in up to 80% of cases where weight loss was initially successful when engaged in a calorie restricted diet, reduced weight is not maintained and is actually followed by recurrent weight gain [1]
Why does this happen? And what can we do to break the cycle?
Often times we end up blaming ourselves for not being able to stick to these rigid diets. We think we are weak or worthless, and we end up with a huge amount of guilt. But friends, I’m here to tell you that it’s not your fault. It’s not. Your. Fault. It’s the way we have been taught to view food, calories and dieting and it’s time to throw it all away for something better: food freedom.
When embarking on calorie counting diets we often times focus on the quantity rather than the quality of the food we put into our bodies. We expect ourselves to be mathematical geniuses to get the exact ratio for weight loss correct. Instead of focusing on the quantity (read: calories) in the food we consume we should aim to focus on the quality.
Food is not just calories going in us, but rather it’s information. Food gets broken down and absorbed into our bloodstream and affects every cell in our body. By focusing on healthy, nutrient-dense foods we nourish our bodies and give them what they need to come back into balance. Foods like vegetables, fruits, protein, good fats, and whole grains are essential to every process in our body and to keep it functioning optimally for prevention of disease and maintenance of ideal body weight.
Recent research has shed new light onto the importance that the microbiome (bacteria living in our gut) plays in the role of weight loss and maintaining a healthy weight [2]. By balancing the good and bad bacteria in the gut we optimize the entire digestive process and our body is able to process and store food more effectively. The first step in maximizing our gut health is to move away from processed foods and move towards real, whole foods. Get some food inspiration here >>
If you want to learn more about how to heal your gut and never, ever, ever diet again I’d love to start you on your journey away from stupid diets towards FOOD FREEDOM!
Click the button below to book a free 30-minute Discovery Session with me so you can do this once and for all. I've got your back!
With Love,
Christina Tidwell, MN, RN, CHC
[1] Anastasiou, C., Karfopoulou, E. & Yannakoulia, M. (2015). Weight regaining: from statistics and behaviors to physiology and metabolism. Metabolism 64, 1395-1407.
[2] Thaiss, C et al. (2016). Persistent microbiome alterations modulate the rate of post-dieting weight regain. Nature 540, 544-551.
When 'Forgive & Forget' Does Not Apply
Sometimes I think many of us missed the day in class where they taught us how to set healthy, appropriate boundaries with the people in our lives. Or the day they told us it was even okay to do so. The good news is, it's never too late to define, for yourself, the things you will or will not tolerate in relationship with others. So figure out what you need, what you will no longer accept, and lay it all on the table.
Somewhere along the way popular culture adopted the mantra "Forgive and Forget." I see it all the time in the bad TV I watch after a long day at work (see: self-care). There's a conflict, terrible things are said, there's yelling/screaming/fighting, feelings are hurt, and everyone goes home. The next day/week/month the two parties come together hoping for resolution and reciting one of the following mantras:
1. We have to forgive and forget.
2. We need to move forward/ move on.
3. The past is the past.
Okay, that's all well and good -- but what if this apology is part of a much larger relational pattern? Namely: Cause harm, apologize, ask forgiveness, repeat. This simplified version of conflict resolution -- that we must forgive and forget-- has the potential to trap us in unhealthy, toxic relationships far beyond their expiration date. It forgoes a deeper exploration of the issue in favor of a speedy, surface level resolution. By 'moving forward' and 'leaving the past in the past' we stay stuck. Instead of looking inward and assessing whether the relationship in question still meets our needs, or taking time to examine the ways our own behavior contributes to the dysfunction -- we avoid introspection and grind on.
I would offer that it is not forgive and forget -- it's dig in. It's look inward. It's examine toxic relational patterns. For anyone who finds themselves in a high conflict friendship or romantic relationship, a more appropriate approach might look something like this:
Look Inward; Set boundaries; Reassess the relationship
Look Inward: Check in with yourself and ask the tough questions. Is this relationship meeting your needs? If not, what's missing? What change do you wish to see? How can you move toward that change? What's stopping you?
Set Boundaries: Sometimes I think many of us missed the day in class where they taught us how to set healthy, appropriate boundaries with the people in our lives. Or the day they told us it was even okay to do so. The good news is, it's never too late to define, for yourself, the things you will or will not tolerate in relationship with others. So figure out what you need, what you will no longer accept, and lay it all on the table.
Reassess the Relationship: If, after expressing your needs and setting boundaries the other party cannot abide by this 'new world order' it might be time to reassess the relationship altogether. Are they willing to respect your needs and request for boundaries? If the answer is no it may be time to consider parting ways. Everyone deserves respect and if a relationship is no longer serving you it's okay to let go.
Let's all take better care of ourselves by loosening the grip of this 'forgive and forget' mindset because sometimes it just doesn't cut it.
When is it something more?
If you are worried about your personal safety, physical or emotional, then this might not be something you can negotiate on your own. There are many agencies and mental health professionals who specialize in helping victims of domestic violence and the impact of emotional and/or physical abuse. If you are wondering whether you may fall into this category, this is excellent resource for better understanding what constitutes domestic violence, abuse, and when/how to seek help:
Are you in an Abusive Relationship?
If this is an emergency and you need someone to talk to now please contact:
National Domestic Violence Hotline, www.thehotline.org, 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
Warmly,
Kaitlyn Overman
MAEd, LMHCA, NCC
More From Kaitlyn Overman
Kaitlyn Overman is a Mental Health Therapist in Seattle, WA specializing in work with adolescents and young adults dealing with issues related to grief and loss, social anxiety, life transitions, identity development, depression, anxiety, and the impacts of trauma and abuse.
Mindful Living with Dr. Rosellini
I was stressed about everything, things I “had to get done,” something “dumb” I had said in an interaction, and fear about an upcoming presentation. My mind would reflect on what would happen if those things I had to get done did not get done, or if I “messed up” on the presentation, and the resulting consequences. This stressed me out even more! The thing is I was creating problems and scenarios that did not even exist.
I'm Dr. Barry Rosellini (Psy.D.), a Licensed Psychologist specializing in Clinical Psychology. Today I want to introduce to you the idea of mindful living. Mindful living is centered around mindfulness, which is, simply put, focusing your attention to the present moment. I want to share this with you today because of the amazing benefits mindfulness can bring about in your day to day life. Research on mindfulness has shown that it plays a huge part in reducing stress and anxiety, improving regulation of emotions, and increasing self-esteem and overall well-being [1]. While mindfulness is rooted in Eastern spirituality, it does not require a religious affiliation so it's available to each and every one of you!
Let me tell you a story about my own experience of not being mindful, the resulting consequences, and how to learn to start being mindful in your everyday lives. I was in the bathroom the other day (I swear this is not gross there is a point here) washing my hands and I was 99% “in my head.” When I say 99% in my head, I mean that I had little to no awareness of what I was actually doing. Kind of like when you see a student walking quickly to or from somewhere - head straight, tense face, totally not present, probably worried about class.
I was stressed about everything, things I “had to get done,” something “dumb” I had said in an interaction, and fear about an upcoming presentation. My mind would reflect on what would happen if those things I had to get done did not get done, or if I “messed up” on the presentation, and the resulting consequences. This stressed me out even more! The thing is I was creating problems and scenarios that did not even exist. This “mess up” on my presentation two weeks down the road led to me think, “these doctors are going to think I don’t know anything.” And that thought led to “I am never going to be a good psychologist!”
You see what I mean? We create an unsolvable, draining puzzle when we get caught up in our thoughts!
After finishing the task of washing my hands I looked up briefly and caught the reflection of my face in the mirror. In that instant I snapped back to that present moment. I saw a wound-up face, tense shoulders, someone with no room for connecting at that moment. Once I realized this, I started laughing uncontrollably. Other people around me probably thought I was crazy, and I’m sure it looked really weird. Yet I am super thankful for that moment because it gave me more insight into how easy it is to get caught up in my mind and the many drawbacks of that (less focus on what is important, increased stress, missing details, and more).
Take the example I said earlier of the person walking on campus totally “not there.” Let’s say one of their good friends walked by and said “hi” and she didn’t notice them, or say this person is a birdwatcher, and she does not see a rare bird up in a nearby tree. She is not living her life fully, not connecting with her values and the world around her.
A more powerful example might be a father who comes home from work. He is tired. He is also worried about an upcoming real estate meeting with a potential buyer. He has a two year old girl. He is so caught up in his thoughts that when his daughter tries to interact with him, he is just going through the motions, maybe holding her but not fully there. When his partner tries to kiss him, he gets annoyed and goes to his room because he has “too much” to do. Yes, the stress is real and can feel very tough to deal with. We all make mistakes or need to not be present sometimes. At the same time though, this causes us to miss out on people or things that really matter.
So how do we cope with this? What can we do to bring ourselves back to the present moment which is our lives? One solution is practicing mindfulness in everyday life. Jon Kabat Zinn described mindfulness as “paying attention on purpose, non-judgmentally, in the present moment [2].” Like Zinn discussed, mindfulness is about awareness and openness to the present moment. It is about noticing “what is there” in the mind (e.g. thoughts), but not getting attached to it. It’s about coming back to the present moment each time we notice our minds wandering.
In the examples above, the student might notice she is thinking stressful thoughts, take a breath, and focus on what it feels like to walk in the crisp winter air. The father might notice his aversive thoughts, take a step back, and refocus on what is important to him such as interacting with his daughter and sharing intimacy with his partner. In this way, we become a captain of our own ship and a driver of our own lives.
Mindful living does not have to be sitting down for an hour a day on a meditation cushion with nature music playing. It could be that if you want it to be. It could also be taking a mindful ten minutes at the start of each day. It could be a mindful minute, or even a mindful breath. However long it is, one way to start is by focusing on the breath and becoming aware of the natural rise and fall of your belly and chest as you breathe in and out. While your thoughts will come and go, instead of judging or attaching to them in this mindful period, the idea is to notice these thoughts, and come back to the present moment with each breath in and out.
This can be done in so many ways such as mindful walking, mindful meditation, mindful breathing, mindful eating or mindful listening! If you are interested in learning more about mindful eating, Christina's blog post would be a great place to start.
Again, by living more mindfully, we allow ourselves the freedom to focus on what is most important, stay present, and better cope with whatever life throws our way.
Click here >> for an easy, mindfulness meditation I like to use myself and with my clients.
How do you think you will incorporate mindful living into your life today? Leave a comment or email me at barrymorerosellinipsyd@gmail.com I'd love to hear from you!
Mindfully,
Barrymore Rosellini, PsyD, Licensed Psychologist
“The master observes the world but trusts his inner vision. He allows things to come and go. His heart is open as the sky.”
